It's June. Am I A Better Person Yet?

Ah June! It’s the sixth month, out of twelve, and all the resolutions and goals I made in January — to supposedly make me a better person — are in check. ‘In check’ meaning, I’m checking on them. It’s safe to say that I really have no idea if I already am a better person. Even if I love writing and quality journalism, I also love a good cheap-but-easy-to-read-listicle. here’s a quick catch-up:

What’s Gone

(or a bit rocky, doesn’t seem like it’s going to have a happy ending):

• One Book A Month.

It’s June and I’ve only finished three books this year. Technically, I read four, but the February book was an absolute bust. I hated it, so it didn’t feel like a read. Clue: It was written by a mediocre white cishet man telling me how to deal with people and how to make money. I thought it was just going to be a book about money, and no shame, I love money, but I don’t love it enough to tolerate the author. So, from now on, I will limit my book choices to ones written by women. Let women speak! Though, even if I’m two books behind, I’m still pretty stoked about the fact that I’m even reading for pleasure at all. The three books I’ve read and highly recommend:

My Body by Emily Ratajkowski

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton

• Double My Money.

This has probably failed the most. I was way more broke in November last year. “Broke” meaning, I just got out of uni and I’m not liquid at the moment, but I am trying to replenish my wallet, but don’t have the luxury to eat out in nice places, buy myself drinks, and/or disposable income to buy myself nice things too, but I am grateful for everything I do have… Though, I guess since I'm less broke now it’s going better. I’m just in the middle of applying for jobs and doing some side things here and there, but I’m not exactly on my way to being a Rockefeller just yet! YET! It’s also been good for my health too. Less money = less drinks = more sober nights = better gut health = less migraines and anxiety = youthful glow = happier (?). The last part of the equation could definitely be questioned, but I am much happier now, but I wouldn’t say it’s exactly equated to the lack of cocktails in my week.

• Learn Hokkien

This was, supposedly, “to learn any other language”. I wanted to be trilingual; you see, my dad said anyone can be bilingual, it’s only special if you’re trilingual. I decided, since I’m half Chinese-half Filipino — and since I am already fluent in both Tagalog and English — I might as well learn to speak Hokkien, which is the dialect of my family, and of most Chinese people in Manila (or at least, in the areas I’ve been exposed to). I also know ‘elementary’ French, only because I took two courses on it. But do I speak it in my day-to-day life? Non. Je suis très désoléé! mon français n'est pas bon… I don’t even know if I used the gendered speech correctly, just trying! but it’s true, I’m a real French Fraud! Imposteur! I also thought, Hokkien would be handy so I could hear what my Lolas (“grandmothers” in Tagalog) are saying about me; not even behind my back, just in a different language in front of my face. Literally, verbal front-stabbing! But it’s probably something about how I dress or how my outfits and gestures lack femininity, thus, it isn’t that interesting.

• European Summer

To follow up on the “Double My Money” stance, this did not go through, due to financial reasons. I wrote that, thinking I would be incredibly, and absolutely rich by June. That’s not the case. But I am very grateful for the shelter I have, the food on my plate, the heating I can access, the water I can drink, and everything I have in my life. The privilege to write this blog, in my spare time, that I have. I may be a sarcastic person, but I really am grateful, but of course, like most people, I love money. Plus, to be honest, travelling Europe in the summer as a young and gorgeous woman (I am humble too!) would also be nice.

What’s Going Well

(or has potential to succeed)?

( I want to preface this, by saying that the next part of this entry will be absolutely cheesy. Yet, I do not regret writing it down, or manifesting it that way. It has made my life absolutely great. Filled with intent… and that I’m actually very happy about how everything is going from this point on.)

• Put Myself Out There More

Come March, I’ve found myself with this new philosophy aligned to “putting myself out there more”: I’ll try to be courageous and just make friends innocently. I’ll ask people for their names, and ask if they want to be friends. To connect. I have, so far, done that method; and have made new friends. They’re not exactly the bestest of besties, but it’s nice to make friends with people that you know you’ll like. I don’t want fear of rejection to stop me from possibly being good friends with another cool girl! Also, I’ve realised that the older you get, it’s harder to make friends, and keep them too. Most of the time, I find myself leaning more towards the comfort of just losing people, and sticking to the philosophy of “if they wanted to, they could and they would”- which is very vague. If I had people in my life who didn’t want me around then, I’d rather let them go, and it’s true I would, but like any relationship, things have to be fought for. So I ask myself if I’d want to put effort in keeping them around? In reaching out? In chasing after them? 

A lot of things have changed internally, this summer. One thing I know though, is I need a good group to depend on, and pull me out of the dumps. People I can rely on, when I can’t do it for myself, and I’ve been really blessed with the absolute best of the best, but as I move from nest to nest, it’s been hard to replicate that warmth. What I have in Manila, I don’t have in Auckland. Not that I lack good friends in Auckland (I’ve been quite lucky in that area too), the warmth of every place just differs from another, and as I get older I want to pour more into my friendships as I do into my romance and career, and other things of conventional success. It really is hard to make friends in your twenties, and I don’t know why that is. I don’t know the science, all I want to do is to change that, and to be braver. 

On another note, I wrote this resolution, in more of a working context. I have always been scared to write, and to write about things so personal to me, that I never really write them. It’s always shit-talking, humour, or reviews, but pieces about me, or about my beliefs? Ha! I wanted to try freelancing. Getting my name out there! but there’s always that imposter creeping on your neck. It whispers a few things, but one thing that always stops me is my lack of serious experience, from a serious site that pays serious checks to a serious name. But then, it’s a bit of a Catch-22? How can I get serious, if I don’t take myself seriously? I haven’t even emailed one single pitch to a single site, and yet, I’ve already given up! A hard-knock-life caused by a hard-headed, self-defeating twenty-three year old girl (that’s a headline to start with!); so I started with this blog. I figured if I wrote for fun, and if I was proud of what I wrote. Then I could be a step closer to that seriousness I want to be taken by.

• Apply Myself to Myself!

I have been wanting to be more me. I don’t know exactly what that means, but just doing what feels right but my gut. There are certain things you do or changes you make that just feels right… that physically, you feel a puzzle piece falling into place, and you can say, Oh my God. That IS so ME! I tried experimenting on more things this summer — on the physical side —, and found more me-stuff last year that I’d like to share:

• I dyed my hair a deep maroon. I look absolutely bright and radiant, and my eyes look even browner than they usually do.

• I bought my first pair of Dr. Martens last year, April 2022. They were Jadons. And they make me feel a specific type of power. A year and two months in, I now have four pairs of docs, and they’re the most gabbie shoe I can ever own. 

• I love makeup. Filipina-made makeup is made for Filipina skin. I highly recommend GRWM Cosmetics and Strokes Beauty.

• Putting on blush wakes my face up, and highlights my round face -— which I used to hate, but then I realised it’s so me. I’d never strip myself off of that natural youth.

• Gold jewellery. Gold metal frames. Everything gold. It brings out my gorgeous caramel skin.

• Low-waist pants are divine. You don’t have to like it, but they bring me the most comfort, and I’m not even stick-thin, I’ve just gotten comfortable with my tummy. Just because you wear low-waists doesn’t mean your tummy is always showing, you can also wear a long, baggy shirt. Which is what I also love doing. 

• I love my belly piercing. 

• If I like how it makes me feel, I wear it. Regardless of it not being fit for my body type. Like how wide pants make me look short or if turtle-necks make my face look rounder. I still love how it makes me feel.

I think the main thing that has made me feel the most me — that’s not on my physicality — is that I no longer take unsolicited advice. If someone offered me advice, and I said yes, I can discern whether or not to take it; but when someone asks me what my plan is, then I answer, and then they say “you shouldn’t do that” or “that's wrong”, and it leads to them belittling my choices due to my “lack of experience” or my age, and how they have the credentials because of their ever-so-lengthy list of experience and their age, then I just stop them. Especially when they’re family members or people close to me who say that they’ve seen me grow up and they know how it’s going to end up.

Whenever someone interjects with doubt, I always say “alright. That’s great.”. Whenever someone asks me my plan, I never answer with detail. As a recovering people-pleaser, I try not to give my brain a chance to doubt itself, especially since I have given myself time to think about what I want to do. Once you answer, everyone suddenly has something to say about how I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m going to do it wrong. Suddenly everyone seems to have a doctorate on life and perfected the research on how to do it right. 

Last time I vented to my dad about it, he just said that I should be open-minded as I am a young adult. He’s not wrong. I’ve only been an adult for five years. So I'm practically a baby… but up until this point in life, I think I can say I’ve done everything right, and by the book. I’ve gotten on the honour roll throughout high school. I was a stellar student, and an even more stellar athlete (until I burned out and fucking hated it). I’ve joined numerous committees, the student council, done everything a brainy child would do. Went to a university, and even did a post-grad/ honours degree, after my undergrad. Graduated with honours, and I’m just bloody tired. And especially in most Asian family settings, you can never really do everything right. It’s an odd sort of a set up; as if shame is the default, and you’ve got to live your life to rid yourself off of it.

I know it seems hasty and prideful, but is pride so bad? I want to be happy. I want to make my choices, without these voices telling me what to do. The worst thing is, they’re cloaked in ‘care’, cloaked in the identity of people who are just ‘looking out for you’. It’s so dangerous. Even more dangerous than someone who just simply hates you. But, I’ve learned to rebut. I’ve learned to just say No. No, I don’t want to listen to what you have to say, even if you do ‘care’... because if it’s care you really are feeling, then all I want to hear is that, if I do fail, you’ll still be there. If it’s a choice that doesn’t bring me danger, to which ‘danger’ is different from ‘shame’ then I will listen… but if it’s merely fear of shame, and the shame that I could bring, then I have no space in my ear or brain to listen to what you have to say.

It’s something you’re allowed to do if you want to. I’ve learned to apply myself to myself by being me. It’s the best thing ever. This makes me feel more in-my-soul and in-my-body than anything. I have realised I owe no one politeness — I do owe them civility, and manners, as we do live in a civilised society, but politeness and tolerance to words that are actually just mean? I don’t agree. 

Let’s go back to pride: is it so bad? I don’t think so. I’ve only recently been able to stand up for myself and to stand my ground. It’s a certain kind of pride in yourself, that you’re allowed to have, and since then, since I’ve added this assertiveness to my sash, it feels fucking great. It’s as if shame feels so far away from me now. I used to know her as a friend. We would walk side-by-side, but now, I no longer speak to her anymore… and I hope she doesn’t knock on my door or call me up anytime soon! I wouldn’t know if I am a better person already, but I am a much happier one. That has to equate to something.